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everything is all messed up...
2005-05-21 // 2:17 a.m.
Arg. I frustrate myself. I confuse myself. Hopeless.
So I have this issue- I can't seem to be happy where ever I am, and it's been this way for a long time. I was happy, things got wretched, I got jaded, I never went back to the way things were before.
Way back- when I was all young and dumb and in love and whatever, I was happy. I had a sort of wretched way to loose all of that, and all I wanted God help me was to be back with Brian and be happy again. But 8 months later when we came back to each other, I could never quite get it back. We stayed together for a long time, me waiting for my jaded sort to wear off and it never did and I left him, I thought that was what had to happen. I had to find someone else who had not hurt me. But I've dated others since, and that jaded bit has never left. I feel on the outside. Still sort of empty all the time.
I talk to Brian again now, and I really feel bad for the way things went because I'm afraid I jaded him the way he jaded me and now we're both going to live as little kind of empty kind of sad people. Its weird because when I left him, I was probably as sad as he was that I couldn't get it together. Every day I wonder whether or not I made the right decision and to this day I do not know, I can not know. I don't want to think about it too much it's painful. New relationships are painful. Everything is painful because I always feel empty everywhere I go. I have got this huge void that I don't know how to fill.
I wonder if I'm capable of loving anyone the way I was before. I mean, theres no doubt there are people I love but not the same way. I love them like I care for them and maybe have romantic feelings for them but not like- whole heartedly trust and happiness sort of trip. I keep myself too busy to really think about it, my strategy to feel like a real person. This, today, this day, this is my second day with more than an hour unscheduled. And here it is, back fierce enough that I sit and write in this damn tired old diary about how fucked up I am, this is, life is, and how I don't FUCKING know how other people live happy. If anything I can fill my void for a few weeks with some new obsession- new love interest, new job, new book, wtf ever, but its shallow I just don't know because I fucking emerge my head in it, and when I come up for air I realize it's a fucking kiddy pool and I'm still fucking empty.
...so now what?