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lexapro
2004-08-20 // 10:45 p.m.
So as the past couple of days go-
I went to the health center. I'd been being told regularly that I should at least go talk to the doctors about anti-depressants because I've had issues as bad as I've been having.
They hand me a little survey thing, tell me to be honest. So I fill it out, being honest it was really quick, the answers were so obvious. I gave it back and they called me back into a room.
Now I was told it would only take a few minutes.
But this guy, he takes me into the room and talks to me alone for an hour. He wanted to talk for about another hour. I told him I didn't have the time, so he's scheduled me for next week.
So what he tells me is, I scored so high for depression and anxiety disorder that counciling probably isn't enough. Also for an anger issue. I scored so high he wants to medicate. For all. Not for just one. I try and get him to lower it to just Welbutrin, but he says it's not enough if I'm angry and anxious. He is not okay with waiting until my second appointment or waiting for my bloodtest. He put me on right away.
So he gives me a sample tells me to start that night. It's a new drug called Lexapro. Supposedly the lowest side effects for SSRI drugs with max impact. He tells me the way I feel is not normal. It's not my "outraged moral conscious" because that is what I told him was the cause for me not coming in to be tested. I had always in the discussion refered to "my friends wanting me to talk to you guys about it". He said it was a good sign, that I didn't think of myself as depressed because that means I'm not gonna pity party myself causing me to not feel better.
He was very concerned about the possibility of me being bi-polar. He made me talk to him about it for a long long time. I don't know if he is convinced I'm not. He also talked at great length trying to make sure I'm not schitzophrenic. His official determination is depression/anxiety/anger problems, and that anxiety can cause depression and/or anger, so that they are probably compounding each other to an extent.
So who knows, perhaps in a couple weeks when the medicine takes effect I will no longer be an ass. Or maybe I'll take it less personally. He guarantees me it's not a tranqulizer type deal, taht my opinions and values won't change, that I won't just glaze over, but merely that the impact I feel will be more purportional to the problem, and I'll stop making mountains of molehills as far as my feelings are concerned. Essentially, that if you wake up sad or angry there is a problem- that I shouldn't be sad or angry until there is a reason.
Who knows. Maybe someday I'll thank him for pressuring me into medication.
Heard Marco is leaving this does not make me happy. I will probably in fact go to that party even though I've said I'm not going. Ugh. Hell in the making. Sorry, I'm being overdramatic again methinks.
I bought a new cellphone, the old one was just too much- this one is much smaller, motorola phone. Hopefully I'll end up liking it, though it will be my 3rd cell phone number in 3 months. Heh, it's kind of funny really.
So I'm still feeling the urge to hop in a car, drive for a few days and change my name... but perhaps this is also a "depression" thing. I still don't buy the notion that a chemical imbalance causes me to be the way I am. I think it's just me. Jarrell thinks it's me too. But perhaps reality is "depression" that began so long ago we don't know any better anymore.
Thats what the 'doc thinks it is. He also is concerned about me starting the medicine, because "sometimes it gives you the energy to carry things out before you begin to feel better" so basically there is increased suicide risk in the first weeks of medication. He's silly.
Interestingly though, I learned that the number of panic attacks I had is extrodinarily high. Most people in their lives do not experience them at all, much less 10 in about 2 years. He was excessively concerned about this, because without ever having known much about them I described perfectly a high level panic attack that causes heart damage.
I used to feel like I was having a heart attack. I might as well have been, thus explaining the pain. It was his deciding factor in giving me Lexapro, trying to prevent me from severely hurting myself in this way. The bloodtests I go for Monday are to see if there is a biological reason for these.
So thats about it, other than that, work work work, aliens vs predator, work work work and school looming frightfully near.
The end.