Newest
Older
Profile
See ME
Friends & Foes
Guestbook
E-Mail
DgDesigns
Host
My Station
screw this day.
2004-06-12 // 1:30 a.m.
Umm, I feel I should update while all at the same time I don't want to. Yesterday 6-11-04 my grandma died. I don't know how she died or if she'd been sick. I found this out 2 hours after finding out my mom had been in the hospital for 2 days. She's lost a bunch of blood from a tumor.
No one told me my grandma died. My mom walked up to me and said "Did your grandma Dean die?" and I said "uh, not to my knowledge" and she said "well apparently she did"
Tact does not run strong in this family.
Soon after I was talking to my grandma- there was to be no funeral or anything, the Neptune society had intended to have her cremated the same day. I was all stressed because my dad had called and said they were going to paradise for the last chance to see her and were trying to get me to go even though I had no way to get there. As I told this to my grandma she said it was for the best that there would be no service, "you know, because she's not religious at all so it's better if they don't".
So my grandma basically was saying that my other grandma is going to hell so she doesn't deserve a funeral.
Tact. Supportiveness. Not qualities my family possesses.
My family is perverse levels of just plain wrong. Right after telling me my mom was in the hospital, on the way there she told me that she didn't think I could pass the drivers test. I didn't know how my mother was at all, just that she was in the hospital. As if I needed the lecture on how inadequate I am then. And then my grandma dies and she is like "well she's going to hell" sort of statement. Then her and my mom sort of bicker back and forth as my grandma tries to pressure me to go to Live Oak with them even though there was no way for me to stay in contact with anyone if I did that. Talked about me like I wasn't there saying how "she couldn't help me if I wouldn't let her" and all that sort of crap, as if that was going to help situations. Then they babbled about the food and stuff. Keep in mind through all of this I was running on 3 hours of sleep and still am.
When it rains it fucking pours around here.
Anyway I've spent the entire day either hearing bad news or how inadequate I am or whatever, so yea, sorry I don't have anything better to say.
Today pretty much put me over the edge, I'm probably going to look into how long I've been miserable and find out if I've hit the point where I should look into something like Welbutrin. I hate people, damn near everything sucks. I have a few people I like and that is it. I don't want to deal with anyone else. I don't want to leave my safe zone. I don't want to have to see how fucked up the world is anymore.
Only the problem is that I don't want to take medication because the world really IS fucked up. If all this sort of thing is normal and I'm just not handling it well then fine...
but if this isn't normal, if there geniunely is something wrong with my life, with the people in it and the vast majority of people I see then I don't want to become some crappy statistic on the increasing rates of depression in American society who medicate themselves not because there is something wrong with them but because the increasing rates of "depression" is because people are seeing the world sucks and medicating themselves instead of working to change things.
Only I don't know which side of the equation I'm on anymore. Today was obviously fucked up, but how much of it was made worse by my perception of it?