Newest
Older
Profile
See ME
Friends & Foes
Guestbook
E-Mail
DgDesigns
Host
My Station
Pam grumpy
2004-02-28 // 11:25 p.m.
So this weekend has been strange. I left w/ Marco Friday and went to Adam Furmidge's house. It was his birthday, we played games and ate pizza and stuff. Brian showed up, I ended up riding back to YC w/ him cuz Marco left for a blind date he was going on as a favor to someone. Unfortunately his date turned out to be a big ol racist, and didn't realize that Marco is mexican. DOH.
Aside from that though, after the party me and Brian went to the Underground cuz I had suddenly realized the closeness of Jarrell's birthday- so yea, I bought a gift for Jarrell, ordered a Goldfinger cd and in all this time there was much talking about nothing in particular. I was getting to where I felt like hey, we can be ok friends even though it's a bit akward. I drove for awhile. We were talking about Rick and his gf (Brian's ex) and they had apparently broke up, the girl was calling Brian again and wanting to talk and all that and Brian was trying to slowly back out of talking to them all. I was talking about how moving out had been great for me on that end, because I could duck out of relationships no problem and it just seemed like a "I moved and I'm busy" not like being rude. I said that if I had been inclined I could have made time for any of the people I did that too, but I'd used it to my benefit.
He looked at me weird and said he understood, and I realized then he'd applied it to himself. Because he was one of those people where I ducked out on my responsibilities as a friend and stuff when I needed to figure out my crap. It's good though. I mean I'm sure I looked like an ass or whatever, but thats ok.
He says his Japanese teacher has offered him extra credit if he goes to anime club. Ugh, that is bound to be akward. It will definitely inhibit my usual ability to be however I want, especially w/ dating Adam but having Brian there... it's bound to be wierd, in a sense I feel the need to not be all hugging on Adam and stuff when Brian is there, because I know how much it would have upset me to see Brian w/ Megan way back in the day, and I don't want to cause anyone those sort of feelings.
Which brings me to my next load of bull. That Megan chick came into the store and was in my store for a long ass time. I was really angry. I can not even express how angry I was because her existance has made my life miserable. I wish she would spontaneously combust. Everytime I see her I think about how shitty I felt back then. I think about the fact that her coming around, knowing what she looks like was a contributing factor to everything.
I felt like crap. I don't even know how to explain it, because in being around Brian I realize that while I miss just talking and being a nerd- I don't think about him when I'm with Adam, and when I'm alone I think about and miss Adam- I don't really miss the "couple" thing w/ him. Even though I don't miss that, her being there bothered me. It made me angry, and depressed. Not sad neccesarily- just an overwhelming feeling of shitty. I'm sure it came through cuz it lasted all day and Sam started looking worried. I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away.
I was surprised that I felt that crappy- because it didn't even bug me that much when I was dating him, probably cuz I'd gotten used to seeing her (I swear they come in more often to make me miserable) but when he'd said they broke up I assumed that I'd never see her fat ass again, at least not up in my store but she was there and for a long time. Ugh. Will it never end?
I really want to transfer to Chico because of it. I mean I love the YC store and my coworkers, bosses, even many of my customers. But I just don't ever want to deal w/ it again. And I want to spend weekends w/ Adam having a good time and not have my mind swirling around junk that doesn't matter anymore.
And how, aside from going to work drunk, can I not have my mind doing that! I don't care anymore, why the hell does my mind keep clinging to that? GRRR
Honestly it's some lame nostalgia or something. I think my mind is using it as an excuse to stay afraid to do anything else. I'm serious, I feel like my mind is using this stuff to trick me out of letting myself think and feel freely regarding the Adam thing. Seriously I've been so careful w/ Adam to come off as being more nonchalant than is the truth.
The truth is I'm extremely attached to him, he makes me feel really happy. Life is just more fun with him. And it's not just a situation where I have a good attractive friend that I like to be all romantic-like with... I'm dead serious when I say that I am very attached to him.
And even here I'm still being careful about what I say and he doesn't even know about this diary (I don't think). The only reason I'm so careful about what I say to him is because I'm afraid he won't feel the same way. I don't ever want to vocalize anything that will make me that vunerable if I don't know... I know that's lame but yea I guess that is just how I function for now. It's really funny actually, for the past couple weeks I've been trying to get up the bravery to let him know how I feel about things- cuz logically if he's gonna reject those feelings/me in anyway way it would likely be better to know sooner rather than later... but yea, bad sitcom in the way it's turned out... in a string of stupid phrases that make me sound like a 5 year old trying to tell a classmate she has a crush on him. I have no idea if he knows that these are failed attempts at saying more than that or if he thinks that I am just the queen of STATING THE OBVIOUS. Ahhh, just shoot me already. I'm rambling and sound like an idiot. As I like to say about others people I've "gone dumbass in love" with him so yea, the part that is shining through more frequently is the dumbass part. I'm hopeless :P